closer

“I am a restlessness inside a stillness inside a restlessness”

s. — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 18:10:07 +0000

“Only the margin left to write on now. I love you, I love you, I love you.”

“Just to be in love seemed the most blissful luxury I had ever known. The thought came to me that perhaps it is the loving that counts, not the being loved in return — that perhaps true loving can never know anything but happiness. For a moment I felt that I had discovered a great truth.”

“Ah, but you’re the insidious type–Jane Eyre with of touch of Becky Sharp. A thoroughly dangerous girl.”

“He stood staring into the wood for a minute, then said: “What is it about the English countryside — why is the beauty so much more than visual? Why does it touch one so?”

He sounded faintly sad. Perhaps he finds beauty saddening — I do myself sometimes. Once when I was quite little I asked father why this was and he explained that it was due to our knowledge of beauty’s evanescence, which reminds us that we ourselves shall die. Then he said I was probably too young to understand him; but I understood perfectly.”

“I believe it is customary to get one’s washing over first in baths and bask afterwards; personally, I bask first. I have discovered that the first few minutes are the best and not to be wasted– my brain always seethes with ideas and life suddenly looks much better than did.”

re-read this over break, sarah. this is what’s been missing.

let me know

s. — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 18:08:07 +0000

i wish i were as loving, as gentle, and as purposeful as i too often mistake myself to be.

when did i lose my softness? (did i have it to begin with?)
when will i know what i’m for? (is there a place for me here?)

future-ing.

s. — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 04:45:13 +0000

it’s frightening, thinking about what i might do with my life. i can’t jump from one part time job to the next, the way i have been for the past several years. that’s high school stuff, college stuff, kid stuff. and i’m supposed to be a grown up in…nine months. i wonder if i’ll find something better for me than a chiropractor’s receptionist position. maybe i’ll be in new york, working my way up in some big publishing group. that is, if penguin calls me back in the next couple months and tells me i got the internship.

future future.

i should’ve been a nurse, like grace. or i shoulda gone into graphic design. not english. english is for goobers who want to either go become english teachers or work their way through a phd and become english professors. what else?

screwed. even a communications degree would be much, much better. i shoulda tried to be a nurse.

i know things always end up working out, but i can’t help but feel stressed about how. how is the world going to find a place for me? is there space for me? hi world, please scoot over just a teeny bit. i need someplace to fit.

i’ve stopped reading, and i’ve stopped writing. i only do it when it’s mandatory and when there’s a deadline attached to it. and even then i treat it like a disease, putting it off and off until it’s 11pm and i’ve finished watching top chef or something. unni, remember last summer, when i was all sorts of elated about becoming an english professor? remember how i said i feel like i’ve just started learning, and that i had finally, finally found my niche?

well…i’ve stopped reading and writing. so never mind all that.

future, please make room for me.

mish mash splish splash

s. — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 00:02:50 +0000

late trees

s. — Fri, 04 Mar 2011 23:53:05 +0000

Our love is, like, really beautiful.

s. — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 05:17:40 +0000

hi buddy

s. — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 06:44:28 +0000

Thank you for being the stability in my life. I treasure you, you sweet thang!

rewind and rework

s. — Sat, 19 Feb 2011 02:06:22 +0000

I am stressed.

I really dislike stressed me. I am annoying, irritable, whiny, and mean.

The problem with this quarter is just that I have yet to feel like I’ve settled into the swing of things. Going to class, doing research, reading, writing–it’s all still such a mess to get used to. I’ve had a headache for three days, my ‘time of the month’ all month, and nothing to really show for it.

I start working again next week and this time it’s a real job, not one that caters to my every academic whim like the bookstore gig. Going through training, filling out paperwork, and remaking my schedule is what pushed me over the edge today. Is it horrible of me to say I’m tired of working already? It is. It’s horrible. But I’m saying it now because right now, I just want to be dealing with the other chaos in my life. I’ve been working, without much of a break, since I was fifteen. Right now, I just want to be in college. But it’s not possible because I have bills to pay and a future to think ahead to. How do other people do it? Is this what responsibility feels like? It’s heavy.

I am stressed.

No, I am blessed.

–I’m being silly. I should be grateful for the things I have, schoolwork and job included. I have a life that’s nothing short of blessed. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Let it go.

SENIORITIS.

s. — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 03:05:39 +0000

I have lots of things to do.
I just ate three quarters of a rotten sandwich.
Hanna smelled how rotten it was but she didn’t say anything.
Then she said she didn’t tell me because she was going to wait until I noticed that I was eating three quarters of a rotten sandwich, so that she could offer me her sandwich and thus be the better friend.
Nonsense.
She’s not even studying.
She’s not studying.
She’s just changing her desktop picture.
Over and over and over and over.
I swear she’s done it about forty or seventy-eight times now.
The first picture was the best.
“Angel Cat”
Hanna was telling me about the cat we’re going to have in our apartment next year.
And then I had the feeling that she was going to hog it.
So now we’re going to have two cats.
One for her and one for me.
If Celeste wants a cat, then we’ll have three.
I hope Lisa won’t hate us.
I hope Hanna cleans up the litter box.
Because if she doesn’t, we’re going to produce defective babies.
It’s true, Umma says so.
Now she’s on facebook.
I really, truly, hate reading forever.
Here’s my to-do list.
1. Read Leaves of Grass to page 80 “on this spot with my soul”
2. Read Summa Lyrica, part 7
3. Write reader’s response vi
4. Read A Worn Path by Eudora Welty
5. Read Bad Neighbors by Edward P. Jones
6. Write reader’s response iv
7. Read I Stand Here Ironing by Tillie Olsen
8. Read Shiloh by Ann Mason
9. Write rough speculation v (include a list of citations)
10. Read Girl Imagined by Chance by Lance Olsen
11. Read 1989 by Joshua Clover
12. Write cover letter for Penguin internship
13. Re-write resume for Penguin internship

Last night was fun Joe. I wish your bike didn’t get stolen. I like you. NO. I LOVE YOU THERE I SAID IT ONLINE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OUR LIVES.

lightness

s. — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 09:30:59 +0000

the day before valentine’s day feels better. there aren’t expectations attached to the day before valentine’s day. so yesterday (sunday), when joe said let’s go visit the horses, it was just because it’s been a while since we last visited them and we missed them…not because yesterday held the supposition of something exciting. just ’cause. ah (: this was, by far, the best day of the quarter.